I'm not sure I've ever done anything worthwhile; the bits of me that are scattered here and there tend to end up in the garbage can, no value even to the compost heap or the recycling bin, no need for me to be transformed if not into something better at least something different. When I found that first piece of me tossed it hurt and hurt badly, but as the pile grew the pain transformed. Each piece became a burden, and this burden I'll carry within my heart forever, filling up all that space you left behind when you went. I'm not sure I can forgive you.
Gosh, I wonder when it happened, when I'll love you always became synonymous with I'll never forgive you. It came on gradually, I think, the same way you gradually withdrew until I wonder if you were ever there at all. This lesson I learned from you, and with pride you can always look back upon me and say "I did that," because you did. And now I find myself wishing upon a star, every star, a wish transformed. If I could make and have but one wish it would be this: that I would stop dreaming of you so that I might be able to forget the promises you made to me, that I would stop dreaming of you so that I might be able to forget the promises you've one by one broken, that I would stop dreaming of you so that I might be able to forget the promises that I, unwillingly, still keep.
That sounds painful, and familiar.
ReplyDeletesometimes i think this is what i am most afraid of.
ReplyDeleteand yet... i can't let go of the connections that tie me to ghosts of happiness.
I know, kat. I know. This is why I stopped watching hockey. It's too damn emotional.
ReplyDeleteThere's no more dangerous word floating around the ether than 'love', I think. Anything that can both give and take hope with such ease shouldn't be wielded by the careless.
ReplyDeletemad william - yes on both counts, but the second, i think, is far worse.
ReplyDeletematt - ghosts cannot be trusted; they're far too ethereal.
peefer - i am SO DEPRESSED :(
sir - careless. you've hit the nail so they say.