'Sir' asks, Would you ever sell it?
I recently attended the going away party of my favorite bartender, who was going away because he knocked up his Irish girlfriend and consequently had to move back to Ireland. Now who (besides Marcus and Dave and Courtney and Caitlin) is going to pour me pints of Smithwick's before I even have a chance to order them? Who (besides Marcus and Dave and Courtney and Caitlin) is going to give me extra fish in my fish and chips basket? Who (besides Marcus and Dave and Courtney and Caitlin) will have a pen ready as soon as I whip out my daily crossword?
Babies are ruining my life.
Over the Fourth of July weekend I attended a barbecue at the home of a good friend, who lives in that scary, scary land outside the Beltway because he knocked up his wife and had to move to that scary, scary land outside the Beltway. Within five minutes of walking through the front door I was handed his three-month-old son. Who promptly threw up all over my diamond shoes.
Babies. Ruining my life. (And my shoes.)
About ten years ago my brother had a baby, and ever since that day my mother has been pining for a grandchild. BUT YOU HAVE A GRANDCHILD, I was obliged to remind her, YOU HAVE TWO IN FACT. "But I don't have one from YOU", she cried, at which point my head exploded. About ten days ago my boyfriend's mother informed me that all of her friends have children getting married and having babies and moving back to Buffalo, and woe is her, she has no grandchild. BUT YOU HAVE A GRANDCHILD, I was obliged to remind her, YOU HAVE TWO IN FACT. "But I don't have one from YOU", she cried, at which point my head exploded.
I FUCKING HATE BABIES. (And mothers.)
So. Would I ever sell my first-born child? Fuck, I'll pay YOU to take the goddamnned thing.
*****
Choose your question here.
I sold mine on eBay. You should try it.
ReplyDeleteYeah, but you sell EVERYTHING on eBay.
ReplyDeleteWait, that doesn't even make sense.
My wife and I have decided the only way we would have a child is if we both really really want one. And guess what? We're not even close to that place because I'm pretty sure having a baby means that you can't (read: shouldn't) drink your entire weekend away.
ReplyDeleteseth tried to declare yesterday a no-drinking day, and my head exploded.
ReplyDeletethen i had a drink or four.
[this is the best answer ever]
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I don't like sharing my name with people I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your head keeps exploding. That shouldn't happen unless you drank too much Jager last night.
You know what? I'm just gonna say it: babies smell bad.
ReplyDeleteAnd they're sort of dumb.
ReplyDeletePlus, they're really messy and take all of your money.
ReplyDeleteSilly kat. It would be much cheaper to leave it in a bag on the doorstep.
ReplyDeleteIt's true. Babies ruin bars and shoes. And interactions with adults. And they're smelly.
ReplyDelete(This was hilarious, by the way.)
h!a! - i knew you'd approve :)
ReplyDeletecaitlin - which reminds me, WHO'S GOING TO GIVE ME FREE JAGER SHOTS NOW?
jennie! - you speak truth.
peefer - what if i just leave it in the car with the windows rolled up on a hot day, while i go shoe shopping or alcohol drinking or something?
mg! - babies suck. both literally and figuratively. (thanks. i'm trying to be entertaining today in honor of belgian independence.)
Silly kat. That would be cooking it, not getting rid of it. WHERE is you FOCUS?!
ReplyDeleteMan, I am so glad I asked that question instead of my first choice:
ReplyDelete'When are you going to have a baby?'
I love babies. They're crunchy and go well with ketchup. I like to remind my breeding friends that babies are just human veal. Yummy.
ReplyDeleteLast I checked, you don't have a firstborn to sell. And you can't sell it until you have it. Therefore, because you're my friend, you can sell mine. We both win.
ReplyDelete(See how slick that was? Sometimes I scare myself.)
Babies suck because all my goofing off buddies are having them and suddenly don't have time for any of our usual ridiculous exploits. I'm afraid that eventually they're going to force me to become a grown-up through attrition. Selfish bastards.
ReplyDelete