Flummadiddle.

Conversations with my mother are few and far between, but during our most recent I happened to mention my security clearance, which was unexpectedly met with a twenty-minute harangue of the Communist Party. This sudden vitriol was curious to me, until I remembered her last stint in Vietnam, during which she decided once and forever to put out of its misery her retirement plan to move back permanently. I never could find out why; it seemed the worst thing they did to her was put her up in a fancy house with a washer and dryer, chauffeur, maid, cook . . . but maybe that's the point. Anyway, I, myself, and I am a socialist, though that doesn't really mean anything in the context of this conversation since unlike it seems most Americans I know the difference between socialism and communism, and that one does not necessarily lead to the other, sort of like atheism and satanism, which I also am. An atheist, not a satanist. I happened to read yesterday (modern jackass alert) that atheism is reason enough alone for 49% of Americans to vote against me in an election, and really? There are SO MANY better reasons not to vote for me in an election. My alcoholism, for example. Also the recreational drug use. And then there was that time I was arrested for inciting a riot. Plus I value plants and animals way more than people, and now that I think about it, I actually kinda hate people. I never return phone calls or emails, I'm judging your Facebook photo RIGHT NOW, I think your kids are not only ugly, but borderline retarded, I . . . .

Oops. There goes my promotion.